Breaking-up While Starting Co-parenting (Part 1)
Break-ups and divorce suuuuck, especially when children are involved. But guess what doesn’t have to suck? That’s right. Your transition into the world of co-parenting. Two things can be true. You can despise your soon-to-be ex (hopefully you don’t) AND still co-parent well. WAIT! Before you click away while rolling your eyes doubting my sanity, hear me out.
I know how impossible it can feel being cordial with someone who is the source of your pain and all this unexpected change. I remember feeling like I didn’t even recognize my ex, and yet, I had to put my best foot forward, especially in front of our child.
Asking you to keep the peace while coordinating logistics or during pick-ups and drop-offs with the other parent may seem like asking the world of you, especially if the divorce isn’t even finalized.
It’s hard. It’s not natural. But you can do it. You MUST do it, and your kids and your future self will thank you for it.
Unfortunately, you cannot wait until you are fully healed and have moved on to start co-parenting with your ex. Your children’s needs do not stop just because your whole world has been flipped on its head. This is the time when you really need to lean on your village and leverage resources like this blog to get you through the tough times while prioritizing your kids.
Here are suggestions for transitioning from breaking-up to co-parenting:
Take care of yourself.
This transition will be a doozy, so you have to take time for yourself to recuperate and regroup. Take time from work, read a juicy novel, back out of obligations that aren’t critical, drink more water, punch a pillow or make time to sit in nature. Whatever you need to fill your cup, PRIORITIZE IT ASAP and often. This is not optional. You’ll need your strength for this journey.
Commit to being a good co-parent.
For the sake of your children, yourself, and yes even your co-parent, you need to draw a line in the sand, and decide to do your best at co-parenting. Put your ego aside and write the affirmation “I am a good co-parent” on a post-it and put it on your bathroom mirror until it becomes a little more natural. This critical decision will guide your thinking and behavior even when things get hard. Read our post on how to co-parent well.
Make sure you are setting your children up for success.
It won’t be easy for the children either, but by keeping the peace with the other parent and not exposing the kids to your adult issues, you can create a smoother ride for everyone. Explore therapy or other resources for them, if need be.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
You will reach a new normal and adjust to your new life, but it will take awhile. Just be prepared to not be prepared for the rollercoaster of your emotions. Give yourself grace for getting a few things wrong. It’s going to happen. When, not if, you get something wrong, take accountability and apologize and make a plan to do better. This will help tremendously and build trust with your kids and the other co-parent.
Ditch the shame.
This break-up or divorce was not what you were planning for which is hard. External pressures from family and societal expectations can send you spiraling toward shame and depression after this type of transition. Please take comfort in the fact that change is normal. Why would every other aspect of our existence and universe continuously change and evolve but humans be untouched from this natural phenomenon? Our cells change, our needs change, our world changes. Don’t hold the shame. Take the lessons learned and leave the rest.
Create space and time for you to fall apart.
It’s not that simple. You never know when certain emotions will creep up, but you certainly want to make time to speak with a therapist and close friends or family to process all the ugly emotions. Spend time alone and activate all your healthy means for expression and wellness. If you don’t, these understandable, strong emotions could spill into your co-parenting ultimately impacting your child.
Separate Church and State: Compartmentalize.
This can be the hardest step, but when you are dealing with your ex to discuss parenting or exchange the children, you have to bring your best, cordial self. Even if everything in you is bursting and you feel so much contempt for who they are at that moment, you need to act like a team player. Focus on the main and only goal for your relationship now: raising happy, whole children. Read our post on ways to ensure good conversation with your co-parent.