Breaking-up While Starting Co-parenting (Part 2)

…continued from Breaking-up While Starting Co-parenting (Part 1)

Alright, let’s get back to it. In Part 1, we kicked off a list of recommendations for getting through a breakup or divorce while simultaneously learning how to co-parent. None of us get a gap year to heal from our failed relationship before having to work closely and amicably with our exes to raise our children. It’s a special kind of messed up and weird, but it’s important and you can do it. 

Picking up where we left off, here are suggestions for transitioning from breaking-up to co-parenting:

Ask yourself early and often, “what is driving my behavior or thoughts?”

Being self-aware of the source of unproductive actions and thinking is key for co-parenting. Maybe you’ve felt little to no control in your life with all the changes and can’t stand to think of losing more control with child-rearing. Or is fear or pain from your ended relationship driving your interactions with your co-parent? If so, don’t fret. It can happen to the best of us, especially if we are triggered, tired, or still improving overall. 

In those moments, ask yourself, “Am I acting in the best interest of my kids?” or “What would my higher self do in this moment?.” It can save your family from a lot of headaches.

Don’t air your dirty laundry.

Ever seen one of those passive aggressive Facebook posts from a clearly disgruntled ex-girlfriend? They usually said something to the effect of, “you thought I wouldn’t find out, but when you lay with dogs, you get up with flies.” Some posts were way less subtle.

Don’t be this person. 

Don't share personal details about your failed relationship on social media or with people who don’t have your new blended family's best interests at heart - this might even include close family.

Don't punish your co-parent. 

Even if they betrayed you and you feel you have every right to make things hard on them, you must fight that human urge and take the high road. The other parent’s failures during your relationship have nothing to do with their ability to be a good parent so don’t conflate the two. When you do, you’re making your child’s upbringing and ability to bond with the other parent about you and that’s selfish. You may traumatize your child, and whether it matters to you or not, you are deeply harming the other parent as well.

Pause on dating or welcoming new romantic relationships to your world. 

Adding another human to the mix while you’re in the middle of transitioning to co-parenting can be messy for you, your co-parenting dynamic, your child, and even your new date. I will write more on this in a future post, but for now just trust me on this one. I’m not saying deny yourself fun times but be careful and tread lightly.

Be open-minded to new roles/responsibilities. 

Your relationship with your ex has changed and the way you parent may need to change, too. A common example is when a mother who had more responsibility for the children during the marriage now must divide the duties due to the logistics of living in separate homes. A parent may have an increase or decrease in responsibilities once co-parenting but focusing on what’s best for the children in this new phase can be your guide.

Do not talk poorly about the other parent in front of the children or even in proximity. 

Venting, especially around a divorce or break-up, is to be expected and is healthy in the right context. The wrong context is complaining and saying disparaging comments about your ex in front of your children.

Your children love both of their parents and hearing negative things about one can be harmful to their emotional well-being. It also doesn’t bring any value to your life so it's just a lose-lose situation. 

In fact, our podcast episode interviewing an adult that was co-parented as a child revealed that children internalize the insults one parent says about another because the children associate themselves with the other parent. In other words, if a child thinks of themselves as being like their mother and you put down the mother, the child feels you also don’t like them since they are similar to the mother. Vent all you need but not in front of or even in the same vicinity as your child.

Get support. 

Your children deserve parents who are taking care of their physical and mental health, because your co-parent and your well-being directly impacts that of your children. Don’t neglect or delay getting support. If not for you, which is a worthy reason alone, do it for your children. A therapist can help you manage your feelings around the divorce and a co-parenting coach can help you plan for moving forward.

You've been through tough times before; you will get through this too. Remember, you're not alone and we are rooting for you.

Let me know what helped you during your transition into co-parenting in the comments below and subscribe to our newsletter for more resources.