7 Tips for Healthy Co-parent Communication
I don’t have to tell you how ugly conversations can get with co-parents. We’ve all either witnessed a nasty argument between co-parents IRL or on TV (e.g. Parent Trap). Or we may have been a direct participant in an unproductive, heated co-parent debate. Even well-intentioned, kind co-parents can find themselves having a slip up every once in awhile.
Remember, you and your co-parent partner, are a team working to achieve the same goal: raising happy, whole humans. But also, you don’t want to forget that you are both human and even the strongest teams can get off track every now and then. It’s all about how you manage those disconnects or as we encourage at Exes & Babies, how you plan ahead to increase the chances of a great discussion.
Here are 7 Tips for Healthy Co-parent Communication:
Set a clear agenda. Be really clear on the focus of the conversation and stick to it. Do not veer off and start talking about unhelpful things from the past. You both are probably experts on each other’s pet peeves and hot buttons so use that knowledge for good and avoid those topics/actions.
Be clear on the outcomes you both want for the conversation. The outcomes should be centered around your children’s wellbeing and how you’ll collaborate to support your children.
Make sure you are in the right state of mind for this conversation. Be self-aware and reflect on if you can bring your best self to this check-in. Do a few activities that calm your central nervous system before the chat. You are accountable for how you show up.
Determine a convenient time and date. Make sure it’s a time that’s conducive to a productive conversation. Don’t do it when a parent will be distracted, because they are working. Also, make sure the conversation won’t be in front of your children.
Be vulnerable and have a heart of collaboration. You’re on the same team. Afterall, you both want the same things right? Happy, whole humans. We all do our best when we feel safe and valued. Co-parenting should be no different if you want the results aforementioned.
Create a plan for how to manage disagreements or any triggers. Being triggered at some point or starting to have disagreements will happen and it’s nothing to fear. It’s how you both handle those moments that matters. You can proactively plan for these moments. Before you talk, I suggest you both agree to-
Naming what’s happening as objectively as you can without judgment or blaming - “Hey, I’m noticing we’ve been raising our voices and talking over each other” - Or - “We are getting off topic and talking about our past marital issues.”
Giving yourself and the other parent grace.
Taking accountability for how you may be contributing to the disconnect and apologizing.
Deciding if this matter is actually relevant to the intended outcomes.
Checking-in to see if you both can get back on track at that moment. If not, pick another day and time asap to try again. Do not wait longer than a few days to finish the conversation.
Prepare to give yourselves a frickin’ pat on the back afterwards. You’re both amazing. You and your kids can be proud of your collective maturity and intentional co-parenting. These wins will be reflected in your kids’ self-worth and wellbeing.
Look, you’re both doing one of the hardest and vital jobs of the world, raising the next generation. You’re bound to run up against a challenge or two, so ditch any shame or fear and try these 7 recommendations for a healthy, productive conversation.
Your Co-parent Coach and Cheerleader,
Sydney Swonigan